Empty

Depression isn’t an emotion. Depression does not equal sadness. Sadness is a fleeting emotion. When depression has really taken hold, I’m empty. I feel nothing. I’m a shell.

I watch everything go by. I do the things I’m supposed to do, ones I’ve built a routine around, but I’m detached. It’s robotic. I do it because it’s what I do. I don’t do the things I like to do. Just the thought of doing something I like makes me tired. I don’t post to social media (much). I ignore texts (it really isn’t you, it’s me). I don’t answer phone calls (the thought of having a conversation makes me feel heavy, exhausted).

No, I don’t know “why” I’m depressed (a chemical imbalance). My neurotransmitters don’t transmit. It’s not a response to some sort of trauma or incredibly sad situation. It’s just how I am. It’s how my brain works.

This is being written on my phone. I prefer to write on my desktop, but that’s too far away (across the house, down the stairs). I don’t have the energy for that.