I have the mehs. Or, is a case of the mehs? Either way, I feel meh. Lately, I am 100% completely unmotivated to do anything. Okay, 100% may be a bit of hyperbole but nevertheless, I feel meh. I have been wandering around my house trying to focus my energies on something, but I just can’t seem to get my shit together. I haven’t completely wasted my time. I did manage to get my office somewhat organized. Plus, I made a trip to Ikea and bought some furniture for my dining room (aka the pole/treadmill room) so that I may attempt to organize all my shit. My office is the most uncluttered it’s been a long while, and my desk is free of papers stacked everywhere. I suppose I am not a total apathetic piece of shit, more like 87.2%.
It’s the general feelings of mehs and fuck its that have me feeling mostly empty. This time of year sucks donkey dick. I can never seem to feel anything other than frustration, anger, and annoyance, and that is assuming I feel anything at all. My eyes are dead again. They have lost their luster. I just walk around eating M&Ms and heart-shaped Starburst jelly beans.
Today, I have felt exhausted. I feel like I ran a marathon. I almost feel a little hungover. I didn’t even drink anything (anything = one shot) last night. However, I have been hitting the Jolly Rancher Valentine lollipops pretty hard (the pink lemonade ones make me drool). I’ve been sleeping like shit. I wake-up several times a night, not necessarily for long periods, however, I am aware I am awake. My arms keep going numb in my sleep. No, I am not sleeping on them. I’ve gained three pounds, but it feels like fifteen. I feel bloated and swollen.
I made a vow to myself to be more positive; that vow has been shat on. I am in a funk spiral. I need the spring to arrive. I need the outside not to look so dead. I need the warm air. I need this fucking pandemic to end. I need nature walks. I need culture. I need… fuck… I don’t know.