Too Much Muchness

I eat too much.  I drink too much.  I ruminate too much.  I’m depressed too much.  I’m too much.

As an introverted and 75% antisocial person. This whole stay-at-home thing is not really a problem for me.  Well… it’s a problem in that I often times force myself to go out and be social so that I don’t fall into a pattern of antisocial behavior.  I think it may be too late for me at this point.  I don’t want to associate with people.  It takes too much energy, and I am oh so very tired lately.  Mental exhaustion is probably worse than physical exhaustion.  However, that is just my opinion and only based on my own perceptions.  There is no basis in fact on any of this.

I have for the better part of a year been spending my time attempting (usually failing) at distracting myself from eating.  I haven’t been exercising like I was just 15 months ago.  I am more unmotivated at this point in my life than I have ever been, and I have never been a highly motivated individual.  I’m easily obsessed.  I realized tonight that I haven’t been eating my vegetables, and I haven’t been eating nearly enough fruit.  I’ve been drinking more than usual, but I’ve been drunk less.  I’ve gotten to this strange phase in my life where I don’t give a shit about anything, but I really want to give a shit about something.  I’ve stopped caring as much about my physical appearance, yet I am obsessed about my weight.  I gained ten pounds in 2019.  I’ve lost close to 5 recently.  I am not as strong as I once was.  Physically strong, my mental strength has never been stellar.

I am in this super deep, deep funk.  I cannot seem to break out of it.  I just feel blah. I don’t care about a damn thing.  I just want to sleep, and be left alone.  However, I am usually the first one up at my house, and I am the one that gets everyone else moving.  I try to create and keep routines for everyone in the house, but I cannot seem to get my own shit together.  I guess when one cannot control themselves they seek to control others close to them.  Or, I am just full of shit, and it’s another distraction? Another distraction from food?

I eat too much. Too much…