Feelings About Sex: An Evolution

I lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 18. I was more anxious about my first kiss (which occurred a week before my 18th birthday) than I was about losing my virginity. I figured out at a very early age how to give myself orgasms. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but I knew I liked it. I probably masturbated more than boys as a teenager. Yeah, I know female masturbation is a taboo or whatever, but seriously ladies, if you are not doing it, you’re missing out. Anyway, point being, I was a horny teenager. 

I liked boys, but I was incredibly awkward and shy around ones I liked. I had crushes and was definitely interested in kissing and sex, but the anxiety around actually doing it was strong. After I lost my virginity, I wanted to have sex all the time. Not because it was great. I mean, it was fine, but I liked the power my pussy possessed. Unfortunately, like Uncle Ben (or, Aunt Mae depending on the multiverse) said, “with great power comes great responsibility.” I used the pussy power recklessly and for the wrong reasons. I wanted boys to like me. I confused wanting to fuck me with actually liking me as a person. Oh… bless my naïve little heart. Once the realization hit me this was in fact not true, I decided to use men the way they use women. I married the first guy I had planned to use. 

For over a decade I was completely faithful. Then, problems arose in our marriage and I made stupid choices. I cannot say for certain who cheated first; for a long time I thought it was me. The things I have found out since he died has made me think that may not be the case, but I don’t know and never will. It’s whatever, that’s not the point. Clearly, he and I were both looking for needs to be met that weren’t being met in our marriage. Weird thing is, that thing wasn’t sex. Which is how I think I fell back into using my pussy power recklessly and for all the wrong reasons.

After reflecting on the latter half of our marriage; the periods of cheating on each other, the open marriage, and the separation, I realized I’ve grown tired of meaningless lustful sex. I am no longer the horny teenager and haven’t been for years. 

Sex just isn’t good for me if I don’t have some sort of connection with the other person. I am not relaxed or comfortable enough to actually enjoy it. I am good at acting like I’m having a good time, however I stop short of faking an orgasm. I think this is why the first person I slept with after the death of my husband was someone I had already slept with years before and was still a friend. I didn’t want to have sex with some random dude that very first time. I knew I would be nervous. I know that doesn’t make sense given all the extra-marital sex I had already partaken in, but nothing was making sense at the moment. I felt like a FWB situation was the best option for me.  

I thought I could separate sex from feelings, which I do think some people can, but I’ve learned I’ve become a person that cannot separate good sex from feelings. I can have all the shitty sex I want and not give a fuck about the man, but once I actually start to enjoy the sex, then I know I am fucked in the feelings. The only way FWB will work for me is if I’m not really friends with the guy.  Then, I’m having at best mediocre sex, so where is the benefit? It’s not worth it. I ended up with my feelings hurt because I caught a case of the feelings and he admitted to feelings while drunk and then took it back. I didn’t want a relationship. I still wasn’t ready for that, but no one wants to be told, “I love you,” multiple times (like, dude wouldn’t shut-up about it) and then have it taken back. Our “friendship” didn’t even survive. My FWB became a STIUTK (somebody that I used to know). It’s for the best. It was never going to go anywhere (even with feelings) and I really needed the whole situation to end. It was really bad for my mental health. (Check out Romantically Traumatized).

Admittedly, there was some overlap between Round 2 (the final round) with FWB and when I actually tried to start dating. The overlap was very limited (one time before I ever actually met up with anyone and then the final time). I really tried to go into dating with the same mentality I had when I was separated, even though my mental state wasn’t close to the same. I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I had to start somewhere. I was going to go out on dates and fuck around with the guys I felt like fucking around with; the attractive cool ones. I knew I wasn’t going to just screw around with anybody. Met 5, kissed 2, slept with one (more than once). The more we got to know each other, the better the sex. I wanted to have sex with him because I liked him and he seemed to like me.

My feelings on sex have evolved. I realized that as a 41-year-old woman, and not an 18-year-old young woman, I need more than just a dick. I had sex a total of 13 times in 2022. Only one new man. I miss intimacy, both physical (nonsexual) and mental intimacy, but not sexual intimacy unless it includes the other two. I don’t want to have sex with someone who is only interested in me sexually. I can give myself orgasms as I’ve been doing for over 30 years. I have finally figured out the true meaning of pussy power, and it only really works if you are clear within yourself about why you are choosing to have sex. I mean Prince tried to tell me but sometimes you need to make the mistakes.

One day I may want to have sex just because I want sex. At least now I’ve developed enough self-awareness to make the choice and understand my motivation behind it. You don’t have true Pussy Control if you’re sleeping with men because you want them to like you, that just means they’re the ones with the control. Fuck that.

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