People Come & People Go

Troubles, they may come and go, but good times they’re the gold. 

Steady as We Go – Dave Matthews Band

I’ve been thinking about this lyric this morning, but instead of “troubles” I kept thinking “people”. Some people enter our lives with such positivity that we cannot imagine they will ever leave our lives so abruptly and/or negatively. The manner in which they exit can sometimes overshadow all the good experiences we had with them. But, those good times, they are the gold. 

I received a text from my crush yesterday effectively ending things. I’d been waiting for this moment for the past few weeks. I felt sad. I felt the initial crushing wave of disappointment and sadness pass over me. I felt it in my chest. I cried. I cried for less than five minutes because I also felt this huge weight lift off me. I felt relieved. I thought to myself, “oh thank goodness it’s finally over.” I wasn’t relieved that our “ship” was over, I was relieved because I finally knew the period of uncertainty was done. The anxiety was fading. I’m still sad because know when he wrote “go our separate ways” that means we will not even talk to each other as friends. However, in this moment I know I need time and distance. 

Suddenly, a sense of clarity came over me and I realized he is one of my transition people. His purpose was to help me get to a point where I could really figure out what I wanted in a man and allow myself to be open to someone new after losing my husband. It didn’t end badly. I knew I needed it to end, I just couldn’t do it myself. I’m glad he was able to end it. I know I am going to miss him for a while. I know I’ll never forget him and the impact he had on me at this time in my life. 

This morning, I began to think of the other transition people I have had flow in and out of my life. My friend from A Friendly Betrayal being one of them. In a few short months she will have been out of my life for as long as she was in it. I am done with her and the friendship we had, but she taught me valuable lessons and without her I may not have found all of my other wonderful friends. I still enjoy the memories, but I don’t miss her when I think about them. She sent me a text in January; she thinks of me often and hopes my kids and I are doing okay. Until I received that text I hadn’t really thought of her in several months. 

While, I don’t feel I can count FWB (see Romantically Traumatized & Feelings About Sex) as a transition person since we’ve known each other for over a decade, I do think I can count our interactions from October 2021 to October 2022 as a transition period. Two days ago, I discovered he unblocked me on Instagram. Sometimes, I scroll down my feed (I’m nostalgic like that) and stopped at an old post from 8 years ago that he was in and had liked. I don’t know why I clicked on the “likes list”. Maybe it’s because I knew his name wouldn’t be there and wanted to remind myself of how shitty he was to me in the end. I was surprised to find his name again. This morning, I found out why he unblocked me. His motives are incredibly immature. I thought about blocking him but decided against it. My IG is public. He can look, I don’t care, but I’m still done with him. Our last phase helped me discover more about myself. I appreciate the good parts; I’ll miss those. I even appreciate the bad. They hurt, but the memories of that pain will keep me from going back. 

While reflecting on how these people have impacted my life, I realized how much of an impact I actually have on the lives of other people. Many people left my life in a negative way and at some point try to reenter it. Other people that have faded from my life come back, too. Anxiety will fuck with my head and convince me people don’t actually like me. This isn’t true. Not all people like me, but a lot of people definitely do. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned from the people who have hurt me. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned from those who left me. One being, I’m not always the problem.

“I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I should be, because I am delicious.”

Me (an Instagram caption September 2017)