Insomnia, Nightmares, and a Stupid Heart

What a difference 24 hours makes (referring to yesterday’s blog post vs today’s). I have insomnia. I can fall asleep but wake-up after a couple of hours. I’ll stay awake for 2-3 hours and fall back to sleep about an hour before having to get up. I actually prefer the nights when I wake-up and don’t fall back to sleep. One of my friends told me, “You don’t sleep, you nap.” She’s right. I feel exhausted right now.

Last night, I had a nightmare. I was living in my new house but the house was located on the lot of my former house; the house my husband and I had built. Bushes were growing just outside the side door, even on the little landing outside the door. I was looking for someone or something outside, but I got really creeped out because I could feel there was something dangerous outside. As I ran inside, I scratched my legs on the the bushes as I made my way back inside the house. As I came inside my husband was coming up from the basement. I told him there was something out there. I held on to him because I was shaking with fear and he said, “I told you not to go out there; there is a creature out there. It’s dangerous.” I can’t remember what I said but I think I just apologized for going out there and told him he was right (which was a rarity in our marriage – him being right). Then, I woke up. I had a second nightmare during my second “nap” but it was completely different.

I spent my waking time scrolling my phone. If I can’t fall back to sleep in an hour I usually pick up my phone and scroll. While scrolling between 3 and 5am I noticed a theme arise, “Trust your gut. Listen to your head, not your heart.” As much as it pains me to say this, my gut is telling me to give up on the crush. My gut is telling me, he isn’t interested. My head is pointing out that he isn’t making his intentions clear.

When my husband and I started dating, I didn’t question whether he liked me or not. I knew. He called me. We talked all the time. He invited me over. He wanted to see me. I wanted to see him. It was easy. It got hard many years later, but the beginning was easy. The beginning of any relationship is when it is supposed to be easy.

When I started seeing my crush in the fall, he always asked me to do stuff. He wanted to see me. I knew he was interested in me. It was overwhelming. It was too much for me at the time. Now, it’s different. I know he isn’t interested, but my heart wants him to be. This is why it is important to let your head and gut lead. Hearts are stupid, full of wishes and hopes (as I sit here and type this my heart is still whispering “what if your head and gut are wrong”)

As I’ve said before, I know what I want and I don’t want wishy-washy. I don’t care how much I want the man, if he isn’t going to make me feel wanted or is making me feel unsure, then I don’t need it. I need to let it go. I need to stay true to my needs. I need to leave our connection as just friendship.

I have survived being alone for close to 18 months. I’ll be okay. I want someone who wants me and doesn’t leave me feeling confused. I have to stay focused on the treatment I want and not become distracted because of who I want.

UGH… I really didn’t expect to be here at this point in my life. I am supposed to be planning my 20th anniversary trip to Italy this Summer, not stressing over whether or not a man likes me enough. I hate it here.

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