The Chicken or the Egg?

Ahhh… the age old question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Only in my case it’s, “What came first, the depression or the extreme fatigue?”

In my “early days” I could confidently say it was the depression. However, as I have gotten older and my depression episodes have gotten longer and longer I am having a harder time figuring this out. In 2017 I went to the doctor complaining of fatigue, cold intolerance, and “weight gain” (I’d gained 2 whole pounds). I still worked out a lot (2+ hours 5 days a week) and I didn’t eat terribly, however, I did have binge episodes followed by laxative or excessive exercise episodes of purging. In any event I felt tired. These days I wish I was only as tired now as I was then.

These days I can barely get through 1 hour of exercise, if I can even find the motivation and energy to exercise. I wake-up tired. I go through each day tired. I can’t complete, or sometimes even start, any project. Even the things I like to do, I decide I can’t do because I am just to tired or I lack the focus to do it. I know these are classic depression symptoms. BUT… and that is a big but, what I cannot figure out is am I like this because I am depressed or am I just so tired that not being able to do what I like to do is making me depressed? I just don’t know.

I have an at-home sleep study schedule for mid-June. It basically looks for sleep apnea. I don’t snore and I really don’t feel like I have central sleep apnea. I am hoping for an answer, but I’ve been let down so many times in the past, I have very low expectations. Personally, I feel like it’s PLMD (Periodic Limb Movement Disorder). I’ve gone through 3 fitted sheets in as many years and that’s a recent development. I’ve never worn through sheets before until a few years ago.

I am tired of being tired. I miss working out. I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling tired from a workout and not tired from just living life. My mindset is in the gutter. My thoughts are not in a good place. I am tired of feeling like shit. I just want to “fix” what it wrong, or at the very least figure out a way to get through life so that I am not so down and feel so pointless.


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