Ahhh… the age old question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Only in my case it’s, “What came first, the depression or the extreme fatigue?”
In my “early days” I could confidently say it was the depression. However, as I have gotten older and my depression episodes have gotten longer and longer I am having a harder time figuring this out. In 2017 I went to the doctor complaining of fatigue, cold intolerance, and “weight gain” (I’d gained 2 whole pounds). I still worked out a lot (2+ hours 5 days a week) and I didn’t eat terribly, however, I did have binge episodes followed by laxative or excessive exercise episodes of purging. In any event I felt tired. These days I wish I was only as tired now as I was then.
These days I can barely get through 1 hour of exercise, if I can even find the motivation and energy to exercise. I wake-up tired. I go through each day tired. I can’t complete, or sometimes even start, any project. Even the things I like to do, I decide I can’t do because I am just to tired or I lack the focus to do it. I know these are classic depression symptoms. BUT… and that is a big but, what I cannot figure out is am I like this because I am depressed or am I just so tired that not being able to do what I like to do is making me depressed? I just don’t know.
I have an at-home sleep study schedule for mid-June. It basically looks for sleep apnea. I don’t snore and I really don’t feel like I have central sleep apnea. I am hoping for an answer, but I’ve been let down so many times in the past, I have very low expectations. Personally, I feel like it’s PLMD (Periodic Limb Movement Disorder). I’ve gone through 3 fitted sheets in as many years and that’s a recent development. I’ve never worn through sheets before until a few years ago.
I am tired of being tired. I miss working out. I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling tired from a workout and not tired from just living life. My mindset is in the gutter. My thoughts are not in a good place. I am tired of feeling like shit. I just want to “fix” what it wrong, or at the very least figure out a way to get through life so that I am not so down and feel so pointless.