I’m Serious This Time; I Promise.

I constantly say I am going to write more, but then when I actually have time to do it, I don’t have motivation.  Truth be told, I have been in a serious state of Major Depression for the past several months.  I cannot seem to find motivation to do anything.  My workouts have gotten rather lazy.  I struggle just to get through them; when I can manage the energy to even start them.  Something is better than nothing, or at least that is what I tell myself.  I don’t go out and socialize with folks anymore.  I don’t even post on social media as much as I used to.  That’s mostly pseudo-socializing anyway, but I still can’t seem to get motivation to even do that little.  Instead, I have been spending my time devoid of emotion unless it’s anger and frustration.  I am working on snapping out of my negative thought patterns as they are wreaking havoc on every bit of my psyche, and my physical well-being.

My husband doesn’t know what to do with the depression, and I don’t really know how to tell him what to do, or what might help, because I don’t even know.  Then of course he says the wrong thing, and I get mad.  Then, he gets mad.  Then, I get even madder, and it’s like a giant pissed-off bonanza starring my husband and me.  Sprinkle some attitude from the kids on top and the energy in my house is just dark, bleak, and dreary; like a cold winter’s day threatening snow.  Now that the sun has come out, and Spring is upon us, I am hopeful; somewhat.  I have tried all kinds of medication (Lexapro, Zoloft, Effexor, Celexa, Adderall, Vyvanse), each one making me worse off than the last one.  Finally, I stopped taking the medication, and started TMS Therapy.  I haven’t really found any relief yet, but I seem to have that special stubborn kind of depression.  It’s really rooted down in there.  The treatment may not have kicked in yet (I’m only half-way through the fifth week, and there are six weeks total), or it may not work at all.  The one thing about it is they don’t promise miracles.  Plus, they are pretty upfront about their success rate.  On a more positive note, I don’t seem to have negative side effects from it like with the antidepressants. And, I get to watch HGTV while the treatments are being administered.  Ever since I have cut-the-cord I have missed all of my home remodeling shows.

I’m also looking into better vitamin supplements.  I was rather ignorant about the quality in the supplements that are out there.  I found paperwork recently from when I had blood work eons ago; before I got pregnant.  I have the MTHFR gene, or as I like to call it the “Motherfucker Gene.”  I apparently need coenzyme forms of B vitamins, or methylated ones, or something of that nature.  It’s really all quite confusing, and kind of hard for my depression-addled brain to fully comprehend, but I am working on it. I’ve looked-up some methylated B vitamins on Amazon, and there are so many out there that I get overwhelmed.  My anxiety kicks in, and I worry I won’t buy the right one. If that were to happen the world would surely end.  So, I end up buying none.  I will eventually buy some, but it takes me a while to make the damn decision.  It took me nearly three years to decide on end tables for my living room.  I used to be much more decisive.  I miss that part of myself quite a bit.

I am hoping that in the future I will stick to blogging at least once a week.  I would like to do more, but I am not going to pressure myself.  I am trying to be one of those calm, guru-types.  Namaste, and all that jazz.  Breathe In. Breathe Out. Keep Calm and …


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