Worthy Choices

According to Merriam-Webster, Worth is the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held.  Accordingly self-worth must then be the way we measure our own qualities and the esteem in which we hold ourselves.

I have struggled with my self-worth for many years.  Possibly even damn near my entire life.  I never felt pretty enough, smart enough, capable enough, or in simple terms enough.  Enough what?  I don’t know exactly.  However, lately I have decided that I am enough. I am a thinking and feeling human-being.  I am therefore enough. I am holding myself in high-esteem.  I am worthy of good choices.  I am worthy of a good life.  I have more value than I have ever realized.

I have started to make choices that are good for me.  I am making choices, not because I feel it is socially acceptable, or because society deems it so.  I am making choices that I feel in my soul are good for me.

In the past I have used sex as a means to get men to “like” me. Intellectually, I knew that this was bullshit. Men aren’t going to like me just because I was willing to put out. They would like my vagina, or my body, and if they enjoyed their time with me enough, they would see me again, or if I didn’t hold their interest, they wouldn’t.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough of a woman to hold their interest. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t please them enough sexually.  Sometimes a man wants a woman for purely sexual reasons, and it has nothing to do with the woman as a person.  I have made the choice to not have sex on the first date.  I am no longer interested in keeping a man’s interest by way of my body.  I am not looking for love, but I am not looking for sex either.  I am looking for a mental connection, and the choice to have sex with someone on my terms.  Not because he expects it. I used to think being called a tease was worse than being called a slut.  Neither is good.  If a man feels like I teased him, so fucking what.  I am allowed to say no.  I can describe, in detail, what I would to a man to please him, and then turn around and walk away.  Will it piss him off? Most likely. Do I care? Not really. The freedom of choice is wonderful, and actually feeling good about my choice is even better.  I am currently at 33 days without sex.  I feel great about it. I don’t even want to have sex.  I feel like I am finally in control of my sexual self and it is exhilarating!

I have also chosen to participate in Dry January.  I drank a lot this past year.  Most of it was in a social setting, but some of it wasn’t.  At times I would drink to relax, or calm my nerves, so to speak.  I am choosing not to drink at all in January. Thirty-One days of not one drop of alcohol.  It feels amazing to make a choice, state my choice, and not give in to social pressures.  I have gone on a lot of daytime coffee dates.  Daytime dates also help keep the sex pressure at bay.  Not many guys expect a woman to put out for the first time on a daytime date.  I am able to kill two birds with one stone.

It only took two choices for me to discover my self-worth. Two choices for me to realize that I am worthy of my choices.  I don’t need other people’s approval, or validation, to feel my life, or what I am doing in my life, is the right way.  I am the only person who can place value on the life I want to lead, or measure my worth.  I am worthy of self-love. I am worthy of someone’s love.  I am worthy of happiness.   I am worthy enough to be someone’s first choice in their life. I am not a consolation prize.  I am the grand prize.