Redeeming Qualities

As a person with depression I tend to fall into a spiral where I ruminate on all my flaws. I cover my insecurities with self-deprecation and humor. I never want to come across as conceited so I tend to swing the pendulum to the other side and point out all of my self-perceived flaws. When I receive compliments I don’t know what to do with them. Even if I feel they are true, as soon as I am complimented, I immediately think about why it is not true. My brain is a tricky little bitch. Oh wait… does that count as self-deprecation?

Personally, I feel I have a lot of redeeming qualities. It actually pained me to type that. Feeling or thinking it intrinsically is one thing, saying (or typing) it out loud for all to see is another animal. As much as this makes me uncomfortable, I have decided to write a list of things I like about myself and that I think are pretty cool (OH MY GOD, I want to vomit just writing that).

Here goes:

• I’m not ugly. Um… let me try again. I’m mildly attractive. Nope… that’s still not it. I am attractive-ish. Getting closer… I am somewhat pretty. Oh my god! Why is this so fucking hard??? I am pretty. I feel like I want to vomit just writing it. 
• I have a nice body. Not bad, but I forgot to mention that my ass is okayish… No, Shannon, stop it! I have worked on my body and I think it looks nice. 
• I have fun hobbies like building Lego sets. Honestly, there’s no way to put that down. I am proud of that. 
• I am a little funny. Okay, I have got to stop with the shrinking adjectives. I make people laugh. Better, but keep going… I make people laugh because I am funny.
• I have exquisite taste in music. I do. I make no apologies about that. 
• I try to be as authentic as possible. I can be closed off at times but I tend to say too much at other times. It’s a balancing act; still an overall a redeeming quality.
• I try to improve myself. While I can get bogged down in focusing on my flaws, I am introspective and try to make changes where needed.

That was painful. There may be more to add to the list, but it is so hard to build yourself up when you’ve grown used to putting yourself down for so long.