I think about writing a lot. I think about all I want to say during the day, but when I actually have time to write my mind is blank. Or, it is so full I can’t focus on just one thing? Usually, it’s just blank, like right now. I am writing (typing) without any specific topic in mind, just typing the words, hoping something will come to me.
Oh, wait! I know. The other day(or was it last week… probably both), I was thinking about how I am a great friend, but I am terrible at cultivating friendships. I automatically assume I am bothering people. I don’t like to force myself on anyone. It’s a weird position to be in. Some of my favorite TV shows center on a core group of friends, like Friends, Big Bang Theory, Sex in the City, Buffy, etc… They are sitcoms/dramedies based on friendships, not family.
I often wish I had a core group of female friends like the women on Sex in the City. I also think about couple friendships. Neither my husband or I have friendships with couples. I have my friendly associates, and he has his. Neither of us has friends we hang out with. I am not sure if that is because we have different types of friends, or because we don’t actually have friends. He often tells me he doesn’t get invited to do things, but I usually counter the statement with, “Do you invite anyone to do anything?” His answer is always, “No.” I think he is different than me, he doesn’t like to be rejected. No one likes rejection.
Then again, now that I think about it, maybe I consider rejection as being a bother. I suppose they’re one in the same. Fear of bothering people, fear of rejection, one in the same… maybe. In any event, I have a Momcation coming up. I have a few days of kid-free time, but it’s during the week, it isn’t like I can really hang out with anyone. It’ll be me and the family pets.
I am even a little sad about my husband and kids going to visit his family. I am not going. They stress me out. I am usually more excited about time to myself without any responsibility, but not this time. I think I’ll just be lonely.
I miss friendships I no longer have. The ones that have faded over time and distance. The ones that have ended abruptly. The ones that I never had; friendships that seemed imminent but that never really developed for whatever reason. Even friendships that aren’t as deep as I thought they’d be. I wish I had a friends to brunch with. I keep so much buried down because I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to bother anyone by burdening them with my problems, even those that say to reach out. Nope. I cannot be a burden.