Marriage is a Four Letter Word

I can’t speak for all marriages, but I can say that mine is a four letter word. My husband and I are so different. Trying to hold a conversation with him about anything other than motorcycles is damn near impossible. In fact holding a conversation with him period is difficult as fuck. He listens to reply. He rarely lets me finish a sentence.  I feel as if I have to speed talk just to finish my thought. Since he has spent half of what I was saying waiting to speak, he doesn’t even hear half of what I said. Having a conversation with him is like talking to a wall.

He isn’t a very compassionate man, either. He is of the mindset, if he doesn’t have an issue with something, then other people shouldn’t have an issue with it, either. He is a sympathetic person, but empathy he does not have. If he cannot relate it to personal experience, he gives zero shits. I’ve had a few events happen in my life where compassion and empathy would have gone a long way, and his response was, “how much longer are you going to be like this?”  He isn’t affectionate unless he wants sex, or if I point out that he isn’t affectionate, then he will be affectionate for like a day. I’ll complain to my mom about what he does or doesn’t do, she tells me, “all men are like that.” Um…fuck that. I would rather live by myself (with my kids, though) than be the pseudo-mother to a man-child. I would rather be on my own than be treated as if I don’t matter.

Last night, he yelled at me. Not just yelled, I mean berated, yelled, and talked at me through clenched teeth. Fuck you was thrown in a few times for good measure. I have a huge issue with certain sounds. I’m not sure if it is the frequency or what, but certain sounds really bother me.  I loathe whistling, people singing low under their breath, certain chewing sounds, and competing sounds (two stereos playing different music at the same time, for example). He knows I have issues with sound. In public I often wear headphones, because it is not the problem of other people that I have this pet peeve. However, at home, I shouldn’t have to worry about it. I don’t purposefully do things that I know annoy him, just because I think it’s dumb that he hates it. He was angry with me because I asked him repeatedly to stop watching videos (with sound on) while I had music playing. Another example of competing sounds. He did apologize a few hours later for overreacting, but I still felt the night was ruined.

I also feel like he is a giant man-child. He wants me to parent him, but gets mad when I do. I don’t want to parent him. I want a partner, or no one at all. Often times the days go much smoother when he is at work the entire time. He isn’t here to throw a wrench into the inner workings of the household. Our younger son, has already figured out how to get away with things, just ask dad.

Often times, I feel like we are together because it is comfortable.  I feel like our relationship is less husband and wife, and more brother and sister, or mom and son.  Both of us are stubborn, but I feel I have really given it the good ol’ college try. I have tried to see his point of view.  My marriage is so exhausting.  I love him, but I don’t really like him (at the moment). He makes me tired.

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