In My Head

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself my boyfriend hates me. In my head I believe he feels I am too complicated, too much, and too (whatever else comes to mind). I am sure he will break-up with me any minute.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself my friends aren’t real. Not in the sense they don’t exist, but in that they don’t really like me. They pity me and only consider me a charity project.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am completely useless as a person. I don’t have any career goals. I don’t have any life goals. I don’t have any goals. I can’t even blog consistently. I have fantasies, not goals.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am a terrible parent. I didn’t call my son’s guidance counselor back in a timely manner. I want to lay in bed instead of taking him to Gymnastics practice. I don’t want to go to the grocery store because it’s such a daunting task (pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is okay, right?)

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am a terrible cook. I burned a quesadilla. I was distracted.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am a bad daughter and sister. I didn’t go to my sister’s to visit the cousin whom I haven’t seen in 15+ years and therefore disappointed my sister whom I love. I haven’t called to check in on my elderly parents, despite the fact that my mother is not in the best of health.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am a bad widow. I don’t post about my grief enough. I don’t honor my dead husband enough. I have a boyfriend, so that must mean I don’t care anymore. I sometimes talk about how our marriage was not good. I shouldn’t say anything bad about the dead.

I am in my head today. I have convinced myself I am a bad human. I don’t human well. I have a malfunctioning brain.