Do I Like Him or Is He Just Hot?

Relationships between people (friends, family, romantic) who claim to care about one another are not meant to be transactional. There is no you scratch my back, I scratch yours. That’s business. Business isn’t about the human experience. If you’re doing something for a person you “care” about with the expectation of something in return (no matter how far in the future) that’s transactional. Thank you Bhagavad Gita for reminding me of this yet again. 

I’ve been seeing this guy, not exclusively, and I have been feeling weird about his lack of communication(texting) mainly in the days after we ‘hook-up’. Technically, we haven’t even been on a date, yet. We haven’t promised each other anything. Why do I feel so anxious about his lack of communication? I’ve spent less time on my phone which helps keep me from falling into an anxiety spiral and dissecting every little thing. 

I can’t help but wonder, am I treating this as a transactional situation in which I feel we are trading something back-and-forth? Am I having sex with him because I am getting a dopamine hit from feeling ‘wanted’? Am I worried that my dopamine supply might get cut off at any moment? Here’s free access to my vagina, just tell me I’m awesome and pretty. Oh and be sure to cuddle with me afterwards. I mean, I do enjoy the cuddling. I don’t really need the sex. I like it but don’t need it. Actually, now that I am sitting here thinking about it, maybe I need it a little. Does this mean I don’t really care about him? Are we ‘doing business’?

OR, do I genuinely care about him? Do I want to communicate with him because I want him to know I am there for him on a nonsexual level? Did I trip and fall into a small puddle of feelings? When I stated we weren’t exclusive I meant he has been seeing other people (I’m assuming) and I haven’t. I haven’t really felt like dating around and I met this guy by accident. I made one off-hand comment indicating I wanted to sit on his face, and I my friend introduced us. Hot, nerdy guys with well-formed shoulders and biceps are my fucking kryptonite. I’ve never felt one way or another about tattoos, but I kind of like them on him. Honestly, I’m amazed I put off sleeping with him for two weeks. Anyway, I digressed, would I be anxious and confused if I had been dating around? Should I try dating around to see if that clears things up? I don’t know.

I am more than only physically attracted to him. I really do need a mental connection in order to have enjoyable sex. I think this is why I am so fucked in the head about how I am currently feeling about this situation. On one hand, I am not happy with myself because I made the decision I wasn’t going to end up in some FWB situation or anything that even resembles a situationship, yet here I am. On the other hand, we haven’t known each other long so I should enjoy what is and not stress it. I do feel like I care about his well-being. I think it’s the empath in me. Plus, like I have said before as long as my intentions are pure it doesn’t matter if he is fucking with my head or emotions because that is on him. 

It is what it is, not what I want it to be… fuck, I don’t even know what I want it to be. 

Transactional just feels so cold and icky. I hope it’s not that.

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