Anxiety fucking blows. My anxiety is in overdrive right now. I put myself out there with someone and I feel like I am in a constant state of fight or flight. My muscles are tense, my stomach is in knots; I don’t want to eat, my heart is beating faster, not racing, just faster. I am overanalyzing every text. I am overthinking every exchange we have ever had. I am trying to guess his intentions. Is it my gut telling me something is off or is it the anxiety?
Intellectually, I know anxiety and worry cannot change the outcome of anything. I understand overanalyzing and overthinking cannot change how things will be in the end. I know I can distort the intentions of others through all this extra analysis. I just cannot seem to stop myself when in this heightened state of anxiety.
I believe my gut isn’t completely wrong. I know something is off. Things are different than they were before. My anxiety is kicking in and thinking up every awful thing that could be wrong.
- Is he a narcissist? I’ve been there before, I know the signs. He isn’t exhibiting all the signs but maybe he’s just really good at hiding them.
- Is he seeing someone else and likes them more, but keeping me on the hook, telling me what I want to hear, in case it doesn’t work out with the other person? I have lived that one, too.
- Am I providing a dopamine hit for him with the things I say? Do I make him feel good, but he isn’t really that interested?
All of these questions make me want to run and hide. They make me want to wall myself off to protect myself. Why can’t he just be forthright? BUT… maybe it isn’t any of those things. Maybe he is anxious, too. Maybe he has these same questions about me. I feel like he is a good person with good intentions. Or, maybe I want to believe that is the case so I feel better. Why can’t I just bring myself to ask him? I’m scared of the answer. I don’t want to feel stupid, or rejected.
Anxiety has ruined so many things for me. I am constantly anxious about the outcome. I have trust issues. I feel like no one really likes me. I assume all men just want to use me for something. I want to trust. I want to let the chips fall where they may. I also want to end things because I am just so damn terrified of getting shit on, but then the “what if you’re wrong” thoughts come into play. Don’t ruin this because you’re scared and running doom scenario after doom scenario through your head.
But, what is really gnawing at me and rolling around in my head…
If you really want someone you want to see them and spend time with them. He doesn’t seem to want to see me at all (except that one time). What else am I to conclude?
Or, am I just caught in yet another anxiety spiral and making something out of nothing?